19th Sunday in Ordinary Time
Cycle C
August 7,
2016 9:30 and 11:15am
Saint Mary Parish, Pylesville
The Consequences on Others
Recently I read an article by a
business consultant named Peter Bregman.
Bregman writes that one evening
he was running late. He was scheduled to
meet his wife, Eleanor, for dinner, but a meeting with a client had run longer
than expected.
Peter Bregman writes that he
arrived at their table in the restaurant 30 minutes late and apologized: “Sorry, I didn’t mean to be late.” Eleanor replied, “You never mean to be late.”
Bregman immediately realized that
his wife was angry. So, he said, “I’m sorry. It was
unavoidable – my meeting ran over.”
His explanation seemed to make
matters worse and that started to make Peter angry too. The evening just went south from there.
Well, Peter Bregman writes that a
few weeks later, he was talking to a colleague, a professor of family
therapy. Peter told him what happened
and the professor smiled.
He said, “You made a classic mistake. You’re
stuck in your own perspective.
“You didn’t mean to be late, but that’s not the point. The point — and what’s important in your
communication — is how your lateness affected Eleanor.”
So, Peter was focused on his intention,
while Eleanor was focused on consequences. Peter and Eleanor were having two different
conversations.
Peter goes on to write: “It’s stunningly simple, actually. When you’ve done something that upsets
someone — no matter who’s right — always start the conversation by acknowledging
how your actions affected the other person.
“Save the discussion about your intentions for later – much
later, maybe never, because in the end, your intentions don’t matter
much. So, what should I have said to
Eleanor?
Maybe something like this: “‘I can see you’re angry. I’m sorry that you’ve been waiting for me for
30 minutes and that’s got to be frustrating.
“And it’s not the first time.
Also, I can see how it seems like I think being with a client gives me
permission to be late. I’m sorry you had
to sit here waiting for so long.’”
Bregman concludes: “What I’ve found is that once I’ve expressed
my understanding of the consequences, my need to justify my intentions
dissipates. That’s because the reason
I’m explaining my intentions is to repair the relationship, but I’ve already
accomplished that by empathizing with her experience.
“At that point, we’re both ready to move on. After that conversation with Eleanor — after
really understanding her experience of the consequences of my lateness —
somehow, someway, I’ve managed to be on time a lot more frequently.”
Jesus and Consequences
I think
this is a good life-lesson for all of us and it is also a good way to
understand what Jesus is saying in today’s gospel.
When
you put this entire passage together, Jesus is saying: be alert to the consequences
of your behavior. Be aware of the
effects of your words and actions on the other person.
If you
set out to tend others well – no matter who they are or what they’ve done or
where they live – you are ready for the coming of the Son of Man. If you make amends for behavior that has
hurtful consequences, you are prepared for meeting God at that unknown
hour.
So,
don’t just talk about intentions and don’t offer excuses. Instead, be responsible for what you say and
do and be responsible for the consequences of your behavior.
